PART IV - THE KEYS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

Unselfishness

What is unselfishness and what does it mean to you?

For our purposes, in the context of marriage, unselfishness is the mature and loving attitude of putting your spouse’s (and, if you have them, children’s) best interests first.  It is driven by love and a sense of service.  It does not look for reward and does not keep score.  We are talking about an attitude of self-sacrifice, not negotiation and compromise, which can become a game to get what you want.

It is important to make clear that living your marriage unselfishly does not mean that your own life is over. It simply means that all decisions and actions you face require careful consideration of the impact on your spouse. In order to do this, you must have excellent communication with your spouse.

If both spouses are committed to unselfish behavior in their marriage, neither will feel cheated. Each knows that the other, through attitude and actions, is genuinely concerned about their needs and wants.

If only one spouse is working on the marriage, though, living unselfishly can be very difficult at first - one can feel like a doormat.  However, being consistent in unselfishness combined with improved communications can get your partner turned around.

A real-life example to ponder:

Bill, an executive, and Jane, a homemaker, were drifting apart.  Bill’s job was high-pressure and he had become cynical and materialistic. Jane was mature and content with life, but Bill wasn’t.  His head was turned by women at work and he wanted a bigger house, car, etc.  He resented Jane and thought that she was a stumbling block to his happiness.  Jane focused on improving their marriage.  She prayed constantly and worked hard at communication with Bill. She agreed to many things Bill wanted, but stood her ground on things that were not morally right. Bill knew in his heart that she loved him and only wanted the best for him, never putting herself first. Over time, Bill came around.  He grew as a person and through Jane’s efforts finally realized where happiness comes from.

They always had two cars and Jane drove the older one, mainly around town. When the junker died a few years ago, they decided to buy a new car.  Bill insisted that Jane get the new one.  He could have argued that he was the breadwinner, and drove more, so he should get the new one, and Jane should take his.  But Bill knew his car was fine and Jane would love to have the new one, although she would never have suggested it, because she was unselfish.

Considering the other first is automatic now, and Bill and Jane recently celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary, happier and more in love than ever, sharing life’s trials and joys as a team.

The above example shows how a marriage can be made better by one partner, and made great when both partners are sensitive to the basic principles of unselfishness, communication, and personal development. 

However, it is important to note that unselfishness goes beyond material things, such as the new car in the example. An unselfish spouse will also be generous to their partner with their time, and will have an open mind to doing things their mate would like them to do together. 

Also, unselfishness can make the biggest impact in little things, because the small things happen most often.  For example:

1. Saving the last piece of cake for your husband,
    
2. Scraping frost off her car when you leave the house first,
    
3. Doing a small chore that your wife normally does, without being asked, when she has a headache,
    
4. etc.

These are also little signs of affection which will be covered in more detail in Part V.

Finally, it is important to recognize that it is not selfless to accept abuse.  Allowing a loved one to harm you or others actually keeps that loved one in a cycle of blame, frustration, and utimately self-hate.