PART V - THE MAJOR ISSUES

Infidelity

One of the most serious issues confronting marriage in Western Society today is the very high incidence of infidelity.  There are four main issues:

1. Why spouses stray,
    
2. The consequences of infidelity,
    
3. What can be done to prevent infidelity, and
    
4. How the injured party should deal with it.

1. Why Spouses Stray

Usually, an unfaithful spouse is either incapable or unwilling to deal with problems or temptations in a responsible, disciplined manner. Their commitment to their marriage is not as strong as it should be, and the lure of an extra-marital encounter or relationship (ego boost, excitement, romance, forbidden fruit, etc.) overwhelms common sense, especially in environments where alcohol is in use.  Making matters worse is the fact that entertainment and other influential elements in society make light of, and even glorify, cheating on one’s spouse.

Sometimes, though, infidelity is an unconscious acting out related to childhood issues. For example, if a husband did not have a good relationship with his father, and the father cheated on his mother, the husband may behave the same way in a subconscious imitation of his father.

2. Consequences

The problems that can result from infidelity include: unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease (syphilis, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.), abortion, divorce, violence, damaged reputation, job loss, depression, etc. Unfortunately, most people who stray never think about these things, think these things will never happen to them, or underestimate the impact on their lives.

3. Prevention

Besides building a marriage around commitment, communication, unselfishness, and personal development (i.e. increasing maturity, wisdom, and character), there are some practical steps that a married couple should take to lessen the chance of a serious mistake:

1. Neither spouse should have friends of the opposite sex that are not shared.
    
2. Neither should spend time alone with members of the opposite sex.
    
3. Neither should discuss intimate issues with non-family members of the opposite sex.
    
4. Neither should go to bars, clubs, etc. alone or with single friends.

In other words, neither spouse should tempt fate by putting themselves in a situation that could lead to trouble.  This may seem overly restrictive for adults, but history has proven that when it comes to sex, especially when alcohol is involved, mankind’s track record of restraint is abysmal.

4. Dealing with Infidelity

When a spouse strays, most people feel hurt, outrage, and anger in varying degrees. Obviously, trust in the spouse is seriously damaged. Also, self-doubt is an issue for many  - “what have I done or what am I lacking that caused this?”. 

A typical reaction is to want revenge, to hurt the offending spouse in a manner that causes them at least as much pain.  This is a visceral reaction that comes from pride.  Many spouses elect to end the relationship, which in most cases is a mistake that will hurt the injured party even more than the infidelity.

There is no doubt that the marriage is seriously ill, but the disease is not necessarily fatal.  If both spouses can communicate calmly, the offended spouse can determine why the infidelity happened and whether the guilty spouse is truly remorseful. A lack of sincere remorse betrays a lack of commitment, selfishness, and/or  immaturity.  The only hope for this marriage is professional counseling.

If the offending spouse sincerely asks for forgiveness, the appropriate response is to give it, and the couple should immediately start to address the issue(s) which caused the infidelity. 

Forgiveness should be given readily, but it takes time to restore trust, and it is prudent for the offended spouse to be wary. Forgiveness is not once and done.  Whenever things occur that remind the hurt party of what happened, it is natural for some period of time to re-experience the pain.  Anger often arises as a defense against the pain.  Each time this occurs the hurt party must remind themselves that they are forgiving the spouse.

The offended party should not use the infidelity as a weapon to get their way on other issues.  This is inconsistent with the basic principles presented on this site, and creates resentment, which can further damage the marriage.