PART V - THE MAJOR ISSUES

Extended Family

Everyone has had a good laugh over a mother-in-law joke, but family interference is a major problem in many marriages. Ideally, extended family members enrich the lives of a married couple through their support, love, and friendship.  Sometimes, though, parents, siblings, etc. try to control the married couple’s lives, or become a burden. When this happens, the married couple must be united in their response to the problem.

This can be difficult because family members, parents especially, expect special access and influence - sometimes using guilt - over the blood-related spouse, who often feels obligated. Further complicating things is that sometimes the family member does know better than the married couple! 

When a couple marries, their relationship should take precedence over all other relationships.  Neither should act on or respond to suggestions, demands, or other meddling (well-intentioned or otherwise) without communicating with their spouse and agreeing on how to handle the situation.

In those situations where you and your spouse disagree on how to respond, use the rules of conflict, and the principles of unselfishness to find a position you both can live with.  In dealing with family, it is better to be united and risk making mistakes, than to allow others to manipulate and control your relationship and family life.

Sometimes you can get away with just acknowledging an unwanted suggestion, request, etc. from a family member, showing appreciation, if appropriate, and letting the issue die a natural death.

Sometimes a negative response is required, but it does not have to damage your relationship with that family member, if handled properly. Your response should show respect for the family member and communicate that the issue was given serious consideration but the two of you are in agreement that it would not work in your situation. 

If further details must be given, avoid getting into an argument over them by asking the family member to respect you and your spouse’s decision.  At this point, if a family member takes offense, it is their problem, not yours.

Some people will be unreasonable/offended/annoying/demanding no matter how rational your approach to them.  Seek professional family counseling if the situation is adversely affecting the quality of your lives or your relationship with your spouse.