PART V - THE MAJOR ISSUES

Communications

A marriage can never achieve its potential if one or both partners fail to communicate in a loving and intimate manner. 

Often, the problem is competence - many people enter marriage without a clue as to how to communicate properly.  Sometimes, the problem is attitude - there are people who are not comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings.

Also, because of the hectic and crowded lives we lead, there are marriages where the problem is as simple as time and/or energy.  In addition, because past communications have not been pleasant, the problem with some is pain avoidance.

These problems need to be addressed if they exist in your marriage.  Some suggestions are below. If they do not work, seek professional counseling.

Competence - The Communication topic in Part IV discusses why good communication is critical in a marriage, and how to have it.

Attitude - If you are hesitant to open up with your spouse, you need to make an effort to change.  Good communication is essential to a good marriage.  If your spouse is the one who won’t open up, apply the principles of good communication in Part IV to let them know how important it is to you that you have openness and trust in your marriage. Suggest they read this web site.  Write letters to your spouse and suggest they do the same to you.

Time and/or Energy - Eat meals together at the table without reading materials and with the TV turned off.  Schedule some time every evening to relax together and talk (also with the TV off!).

Pain Avoidance - If you are the one who finds communicating painful because of some prior experience(s), ask your spouse to help you.  Let your spouse lead, but be sure and let them know when you find yourself getting upset.  The combination of your spouse understanding your pain, being sensitive to it, and you trying to improve your marriage by overcoming this problem can be very effective.

If you can determine that pain avoidance is an issue with your spouse, make an effort to focus on positive and upbeat communications until your spouse is more comfortable about opening up to you.