PART IV - THE KEYS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

Communication

What is good communication between marriage partners?  How good is your communication with your spouse?

(Write your answers before continuing)

Good marital communication is not merely the exchange of fact or opinion, it is the highest form of intimacy, even more than sex. 

Unfortunately, in our hectic world, many couples don’t take the time to share their feelings, desires, fears, and beliefs - the things that really expose us.  Men, in particular, have a problem with this. They fear they will look weak or just don’t understand the value. The stereotypical ideal of the “strong, silent type” is unfortunate. Too many men and their wives never really connect on the level that will help them achieve the closeness that is possible in a good marriage.

Good marital communication has many elements and includes:

1. Asking - eliciting information and feelings about everything with which your partner is involved (e.g. “How was your golf game?”, etc.).
    
2. Talking - being willing to patiently share and discuss EVERYTHING touching your life, your spouse’s life, and your marriage (e.g. wants, feelings, details, accomplishments, disappointments, concerns, aggravations, joys, etc.).
    
3. Listening - focusing in on what your partner is saying, and the emotion behind it, not just thinking about what you are going to say, or daydreaming. (Listening is arguably the most important element in all good communication. You can’t learn anything when you are talking.  An old adage says you should listen twice as much as you talk - that is why you have two ears and one mouth!)
    
4. Responding - demonstrating that you heard and understood your spouse, and, providing meaningful feedback, including, when appropriate, saying “thank you” or “I’m sorry” (too many people can’t bring themselves to do this, and it is an extremely important for a good relationship).
    
5. Body Language - using body posture and facial expressions to show attention, interest, concern, etc.
    
6. Tone and Timbre of speech - using the appropriate pitch, volume, etc.
    
7. Affection - saying “I love you” at least once a day; little acts of kindness, etc.
    
8. Humor - good-natured fun.
    
9. Appearance - showing you care.

Good communication also has the following characteristics:

• Concern - genuine interest in what’s important to your partner
   
• Respect - consideration of your spouse’s feelings, no matter how you feel
   
• Empathy - trying to put yourself in your partner’s place, and feel what they feel; providing support
   
• Trust - being vulnerable

But good communication does NOT include:

1. Needling - annoying or provoking your spouse, (even in fun this can be hurtful)
    
2. Sarcasm and Cynicism - especially if your spouse, children, or family is the target
    
3. Insults - never appropriate
    
4. Condescension - degrading
    
5. Criticism - finding fault with your spouse, children, in-laws, etc.
    
6. Nagging - men can do this as well as women
    
7. Demanding - orders and ultimatums
    
8. Assuming - that you know what your spouse wants or thinks, or that your spouse knows, or should know (mind reading!) what you want or think (This is a big problem with many marriages.  The best marriages are between two individuals who know who and what they are, and take responsibility for expressing what they want in their partnership.)

In light of H. above, an aspect of communication that merits special mention here is Assertiveness.  Being able to express our wants, needs, opinions and feelings to others, especially our spouse, in a tactful and effective manner can greatly impact the quality of one’s relationships. Much has been written about assertiveness, what it is and isn’t, and how to become assertive.  Books, articles, and training classes are ubiquitous (internet, etc.). Also, most professional counselors can provide direction as well.

Your spouse is not your child, slave, pet, employee, competitor, enemy, or friend.  He/she is much more and needs to be treated as such.  Even if you are angry with your spouse, and feel that you are being mistreated in some way, or your spouse is being just plain stupid, avoid further, possibly irreversible, damage to your relationship by avoiding A. through H. above.

Serious discussions should take place in a calm, relaxed environment without distractions.  For example, never start a serious dialogue while you are putting the three toddlers to bed.  

Avoid addressing problems in a negative or accusatory way (see also Conflict). All this does is put the other person on the defensive, and even if you are right, you will have an uphill battle. Treat problems as if they were an impersonal thing (e.g. “We need to figure out a way to keep this house cleaner”, rather than “Why are you such a lousy housekeeper?”. This approach has a much higher probability of meaningful dialogue and a solution.  Passion in discussion is fine, but remember the items listed above.

Good judgment must be used in sharing marital communications with others.  When, for example, a spouse bares their soul with innermost feelings, it can destroy trust if they are shared with another person, no matter who, without the spouse’s direct or implied permission.

Sometimes, it is very difficult to get a meaningful dialogue going with a partner. If a spouse clams up, is depressed, angry, verbally intimidating, etc., it may be almost impossible. Try using open-ended questions - questions that can’t be answered with “yes” or “no”, such as “How did your meeting go?” - to get your partner to open up. If this does not work, it is often helpful to try and break the ice with a written letter to your spouse.  A written letter has the advantage of allowing you to organize your thoughts, present them without interruption, and remove any negativity or anger.

If attempts to improve poor communication in your marriage fall short, you should seek professional help.